How I Stop Judging & Start Loving Myself
Everyone told us we shouldn’t be limited with how we look, no?
「天啊，我的髮形是想怎樣⋯⋯怎麼每一天也是Bad hair day。」
I used judge myself a lot, like all day, everyday.
You cannot imagine how difficult it is to be a woman. We are all being judged by media and society, the “passing line”, the standard of being beautiful, is always hard to reach, almost impossible to fulfill. If you are a perfectionist like me too, maybe these questions will always be on your head:
”Do I look fat? Because I ate too much in the last holiday?”
”Why I always having such an acne-prone skin?”
”My hair looks horrible…”
”Why is she so skinny? I’d better skip the dinner tonight… (while looking other’s profile on instagram)”
I have no idea why this standard becomes so normal nowadays (or even for decades, already). And yes, I’ve had lost myself in this journey of “Pursuit of Perfection”. Back to few years ago, I ate little and I kept on exercising every single day - not because I love working out, but it is for another hidden reason - I don’t have to photoshop myself in computer anymore in order to look tiny and thin in pictures. I thought it was the meaning of perfection, I thought if I look perfect, I would be happy. I forced myself to run 5km every morning even before breakfast, kept doing sit up even I was suffering from back pain… I thought by having such discipline, I would had the control over my body, and my happiness. That was me, 4 years ago.
And after just two months, I started losing a lot of weight. And then… the pictures I post on social media got more likes, and I gained quite an amount of followers too. Seems that everyone loves a sporty, healthy girl with a “well-balanced” life. However, the truth was I am suffering from eating disorder. Seeing the dropping numbers on the weighting scale everyday, I was totally addicted to this feeling of “controlling & regulating” myself.
Until one day, I couldn’t accept this anymore.
No matter how many followings I gained, how many likes I got - I didn’t feel happier. Deep inside, I knew something was wrong inside me… I didn’t know how to stop judging myself. My heads were full of judgements and negative emotions that I couldn’t let go. I don’t know how to start loving myself.
But I wanted to change.
So I started reading. Reading a lot of online articles, quotes about self-care & self-love. I started questioning myself where do these negative thoughts come from, and observing them one by one, passively acknowledging it. I started to understand I have to heal myself through self-love, before I could know how to care for others. The more I know about spirituality, the more I believe in the law of attraction. I started to find my goals, understand my thoughts, witness my emotions. Most importantly, I started practicing self-care and self-love…
Now, when I practice yoga, it is because it calms me and remind me of love & compassion; when I go hiking, it is because of the fresh air and to relax the body. I move because I love my body and honour it. Every time I feel my heart beating and sweat dropping, I am thankful for being alive, being able to walk on earth. And, the true happiness comes. My emotions no longer affected by the fluctuation on scale. I am free.
I still love posting pictures on social media, writing for blog & magazine and even published a book last year. Being able to spread positive messages, share inspirations with others, bring me the biggest satisfaction and happiness. If… next time, when you are judging yourself in front of the mirror, and thinking if you should skip meals, and suddenly think of my story, and remind yourself to drop any judgements - that would bring me tremendous joy.
Although I am now approaching 29 and I begin to notice some changes on my body (slower metabolism, more and more freckles on the face, etc.). However, I clearly know that they are simply a sign of maturity and wisdom, and that makes me more beautiful too. I accept what it is as it is.
“Don’t define yourself by how you look.” It sounds nice, but how can we really pursuit it in everyday life? It might be hard, but you start from shifting your mindset, changing your thinking habits - try not to make judgements because of the outside standard, don’t engage the negative thoughts, simply observe… Witness where did these thoughts come from, and slowly you will know it is all coming from LOVE, because you want to be a better version of yourself.
Remember, learn to see and admire how beautiful you already are. Because you are the one and only one, the most special human being on this earth.
Treat yourself as you treat others; love yourself as you love others.